sorry for my absence ..theres a good excuse

so where have i been you maybe be asking. Well ahem here is the long and the short of it. On July 19 2010 my husband informed me that he could not longer stay in our marriage. That he was unhappy that he could not continue to live his life with me, he had lost himself and wanted out. That was on a Monday night at about 9:30 ish pm. He moved his stuff out by the end of the week. Well his clothes anyway it was the next week friday that he was officially out. And i was left holding the bucket of crumbled dreams and promises that was my life.

Many tears and sleepless nights later. 35 pounds lighter due to stress and despair. One eventful day after the next when you realize there is more to the story then you originally thought and the salty taste of blame and excuses and you now find me here. Just shy of 8 months since his decisions derailed 4 lives and the lives of a select a few passersby watching the train wreck that he left behind.

I picked up, i moved to a new place for me and my sons. I get up everyday whether i want to or not and i make it happen. sometimes with a smile on my face sometimes with out. I am better now. getting a little stronger. hoping it will work itself out. YES. I pray for my marriage each and every day. I pray he will have a change of heart. I pray for my children that they will not have to go through whats happening too much longer. Alas, as of this evening those prayers are yet to be answered.

So where does one start again? how does one recreate themselves? is that even necessary for me to recreate MYSELF? i dunno... the more i think about it the less blame and burden of that blame do i put on myself. why make someone else's guilt less heavy of a cross to bear. I have been sitting and thinking and seeing MYSELF in a different light. i wont be the whipping girl any longer. I have men to raise with or with out a man .